I got home that Thursday evening after work, and I went right into my room and started packing for the weekend.
He was home. I didn't say a word.
10 minutes or so passed as I rushed around the house packing a quick bag. I was standing by our bed, gathering charger cords and other items I wanted to take, when he walked in.
"You're really going to Kentucky tonight?"
Yes.
"It's a long drive. Will you stay over somewhere tonight?"
Yes.
"You don't have to go, you know."
Yes, I do.
He looked at me. He looked so sad. He looked broken. It's strange, but he looked more broken than I felt. I felt numb.
I brushed past him for something out of my dresser. He grabbed me, held on tight. Long, gripping hug. I did hug him back. I held on, I held on like I was drowning. He whispered, "I'm sorry" into my neck.
I broke the hug and picked up my bag, and got in my car.
It was cold. I had the heat on, and music off. I needed silence. My destination for the evening was to reach Interstate 81, and then find a place to stay somewhere along that long long stretch of highway. To get to 81, I needed to go through some mountains.
It started snowing the minute I reached the mountain roads I had to travel through. I couldn't believe it. It wasnt supposed to snow at all. It was heavy, coming down thick and heavy with some large crazy snowflakes. I felt like I was in an early 90's screen saver.
I reached the highway that would take me to the interstate. I ended up behind a big 18 wheeler. The snow, the height of his truck... I totally passed my 81 exit by almost 25 miles. I was a little freaked out, driving in a car (I'm used to a truck) the snow, not knowing where in the world I was... I saw a sign for a hotel.
I pulled in. I sort of knew the town, I was safe. I asked for a room. I fell down on the bed and slept. Slept like a rock. Heavy, deep, amazing sleep. Check out was 11am, but I had hoped to be on the road by 5am.
I slept until 10:30. I checked out at 10:59.
For the first time in my entire life, I was alone. No one knew where I was. No one. Not my husband, my kids, my Dad, my family, my friends...No one.
This felt amazing. I felt like I could breathe. I asked the desk clerk if there were any antique stores in the area, and she gave me a list.
I spent the day in some country town, in the middle of no where, crawling through antique stores.
It was heaven. I took some time for myself. Whenever I thought about him....and her.... my heart would slam against my ribs, and I would feel dizzy... So I didn't think about them. I just did something for myself for a while.
I have never taken a minute, let alone, a day for myself like that.
I think I'll always treasure that day. Always. I think everyone should take a day, and just do for themselves. It's alright.
Late afternoon rolled around. I started feeling anxious. My chest hurt when I thought of them. He called me. I didn't answer. I didn't want to hear his voice.
He called again and again. I knew I was going to head home instead of Kentucky at this point... So I finally answered. "Where are you?!" He demanded. I said, "I'm on my way home, I don't feel good.." I didn't. My adrenaline was high, I couldn't seem to calm myself, I had chest pains. He seemed concerned... But I didn't really care. I didn't want to hear his voice, I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to see him.
But I went home.
That was the end of February.
I figured that was the end of us, too.
