Why am I doing this? To be honest, I'm not sure....Or am I?
I'm struggling, and have been since DDay. {Discovery Day} For me, DD was 9 months and 2 days ago. 276 days. (I used timeanddate.com for that...lol... I'm crazy, but not crazy enough to actually count the days)
I have to say though, that looking at that number, takes my breath away a little. This is 9 months of my life, a struggle each of those days to even get out of bed. I've cried on each of those days, I've been pissed off on each of those days. But, I have to give myself some credit, because I've definitely put one foot in front of the other on each of those days, too, and I've kept moving forward. Slow. Slow as hell, but still moving forward.
A few weeks ago, I googled "How to heal after the affair" and it landed me on several sites, several blogs, and I've spent a lot of time reading and relating to so many stories.
I have kept a journal, or blog, since I was 15 years old. It was at that age that I ran away from home, and around that time someone gave me a five subject notebook. She said, "Write it down. Whatever is in your head, your heart, your soul, write it down. It releases the pain." I have been writing ever since. That first notebook was filled in no time, and through the rest of my teen years, the stack of them grew. I stopped for a while after the kids came along, I found my life had changed, I was very happy, and I was VERY busy with three children. I find it interesting that when you find yourself in pain, confusion and lost, that you turn back to what saved you in the past. Writing. Praying?
So why am I publicly writing about the worst thing that has happened to me? To shame the other woman? No. To shame him? No. I think I just need to write it out. To walk the journey. I've found other sites that say, "Tell your story" and I wanted to. But I realized I could not take up their space with my story, because I know it's going to be long. I'm hoping for nothing more than to heal my soul. I am trying not to look at the destination, and only focus on the journey.
Is there really a destination in a marriage? I don't know.
I found other blogs very helpful. It's amazing to me how many women around me have been through this. After DDay, I found myself shamelessly telling anyone that would listen. Many times, the response was, "I've been there, it's brutal." So this one is for me. I need to do whatever I can to keep my head up and keep moving forward. I'm curious where my journey will go. I'm curious about how others have made it through.
I'm keeping my head up, and not looking down. To look down terrifies me, because I'm afraid of seeing the broken shards of my life around my feet.
