He had moved back in to our house, but he had also moved onto the couch. He slept there every night that week. I have to be honest though, he would text me from the couch, late at night, and I would come down to visit him. I wouldn't say a word, I would 'visit' and then I went back to bed. There was something shifting in me, I could feel the broken pieces of me starting to go back together. That break down I had the weekend before had caused a shift.
I felt a strange power in me to go 'visit' him, take control, detach myself from emotions, and then walk away without a word to him.
Friday, April 1st, he worked late. Though he had been on the couch every night that week, we still lived under the same roof. He didn't come home after he was supposed to be off. He had turned "Find Friends" back on on his phone, so I checked it. He was at a bar near where he worked on Fridays. When he came home much later, I was angry. I told him that it was just common courtesy while we were still under the same roof to let each other know where we were, when we might be home.
Let's face it... I thought he was with her. Even though he swears on all that is holy that he has not spoken with or texted with her since New Years day. So, let's be honest, I was pissed and freaking out.
April 2nd found us on the couches all day, talking about separating. I didn't cry. I didn't get emotional. I was reaching the end of my rope. I didn't understand ANYTHING he was doing to me, to us, to our marriage, to our family. We talked about where we could live, we talked about the kids, we talked about trying to keep lawyers out of it as much as we could and be civil.
Sunday, April 3rd... We are on the couches again, not really talking. There is a calmness in me, a strange mood has settled over me, and I actually feel somewhat strong. There is something about having a plan, that can put the ground back under your feet. I had a plan, we were actually talking about the future, and though we were not discussing working on the marriage, we had a plan to separate. The unknown was no more, there was a plan.
I was looking for peace. I wanted peace.
Our son was in the living room at one point. There was a strange vibe around him all morning. He looked at our son, and looked at me. He seemed very off. He silently nodded at my phone, and then looked at me, holding his up. He started to text. I picked up my phone. He obviously wanted to talk, but not with our son in the room.
He texted me: Are we done?
Sorry about my crude language to him, but it was honest and real... Stop fucking me if you're going to be done with me.
I held it together for about 5 minutes before I lost it. Talking about separating, discussing living arrangements? Through all of that, through all of the talking, he had not said he was done. To see him say it? In a text? I made it about 5 minutes before I ran upstairs, threw myself across our bed, and cried. He came up and wrapped himself around me. He told me he loved me. He told me he was sorry.
I got myself together, and crawled into the shower. I had to take the kids to a skating party, and I was going too. I piled them and their friends into the truck and we left. I glanced at him as I left, and I remember giving a sad smile. I said goodbye.
We all made it into the rink, and I was actually looking forward to lacing up some roller skates and hitting the rink. I love to skate, I am hoping it will take my mind away for a bit.
As the party was about to end, the kids were thirsty, so we rolled into the cafeteria, and got drinks. We chatted and teased each other about skating. I'm from the 80's! It's what we did on weekends! I was good, and found out I still am, but my kids not so much! We were laughing and teasing, we were hot, thirsty and getting tired. That's when I saw my son's face change a bit, a look of confusion on his face as he was looking over my shoulder. I looked behind me, and there he was. He came to the rink.
I'm so confused. I gave him a look of pure confusion. He sat down next to our daughter, and started chatting with her. He kept looking at me though. I can't even begin to explain how confused I was by him being there.
I got up, got back on the rink. Very confused. He came over to the wall around the rink and watched me skate. Still, I'm confused. What in the hell is he doing here?
The party wrapped up, and we headed out to the parking lot. He walked out with us. He parked next to me.
Now, to explain what he said, let me tell you where it came from. In December, our son had messed up with his girlfriend, and she was angry with him. He needed to make it up to her, but didn't know how. My husband told him, "Just straight up tell her, "I messed up, lets go for pizza", and through all of our drama and fighting, and crying, moving out, moving back, was there a girlfriend, wasn't there.... I would sort of tease him and say, "I'm just waiting for you to say you messed up, and let's go get pizza." He would always give me a little smile when I said this to him.
So there, in the parking lot of the skating rink.... as I was about to climb into the truck and take the kids all home, he pulls me back and wraps his arms around me.
He hugs me hard, tight and for a long time. I didn't hug him back right away, but I did eventually wrap my arms around him. He buried his face in my neck, and he whispered, "I really messed up, let's go get pizza."
That's all it took.
All he had to do was put his arms around me, like that.... and I melted. I was super confused, but it really didn't take much.
He asked to go to the grocery store with me. He kept hugging me in the isles.
At one point, my daughter looked at me and mouthed, "What is going on?" I just looked at her with complete confusion. I don't know.
I don't know. He's like an alien.
There's been some moments over the past months that he would let his guard down, but it's been nothing like he is doing at this moment. He can't seem to keep his hands off of me, touching my shoulder, hugging me, arm around my waist, hands in my hair... What is going on.
But, I'm melting. I'm shaking my head, trying to clear it, but he's clouding everything with his kindness. This is all it took.
We got home, and he pulled all of his blankets out for his couch bed. I was silent. We watched the season finale of Walking Dead together... and I just kept watching him out of the corner of my eye. He's reaching for me, he's taking moments during the show to just touch my hand.
This is all it took.
I picked up his pillows and blankets and pointed up the stairs. He followed.
We made love that night. First time in a long time... he was there 100 percent, and for the first time in a very long time, he told me he loved me. He was sad, it felt like he was drowning and I was his life raft the way held on to me.
I held on too, but I had no idea what was going on.
The next day, while at work, he sent me a text that I will never forget for the rest of my life. Never. His few words that he said in that text will be with me the rest of my days.
It was a surreal night. It was an amazing morning. But I'm spinning from the 180° he has done. How can we start the day being 'done' and talk about separation, and end the day wrapped up in each other, and clinging for dear life?
I'm smiling... that text from him was true... I didn't give up, I fought hard. I thought I had lost, there was nothing more that I could do. The two minutes it took me to reply felt like years... I just stared at the words he wrote. When I replied with, "You're mine." I realized at that moment that in 25 years, I had never called him mine. It felt good. It felt so good to claim this man, to let him know he's mine. I'm his.
I kept shaking my head that day. Like I was trying to wake from a dream. He texted me all day. Little sweet things like, "I'm thinking of you" and "I love you" it went on almost all day. I couldn't stop smiling.
But... I couldn't let my guard down either. I felt like I was in a dream, and I was still waiting to wake up.
April was good. I fell in love with my husband. I fell so completely, head over heels in love with him. I couldn't get enough of him. I texted, he texted. We called each other. He would be waiting for me on the front porch when I came home. I fell in love with this man 25 years ago, but the man in front of me now? I didn't know him. This man was incredibly easy to love, and for the first time in my life, I let all the walls down around me, and let him love me.
I don't think until this moment in our lives together, that we knew how to love each other.
What the hell was going on?
It was amazing.
But the end of the month brought the most pain I've ever experienced in my life.
