The kids were surprised, and yet seemed excited. It was a long, long drive. 16 hours to get to where I wanted to put my feet in the sand. I had a relative in that area that I had not seen since my wedding, 20 years ago, so I was excited to see her, and excited to put some distance between him and I.
So I told my navigation app on my phone to get me to 95 south, and that's where we went.
I listened to music...sad, happy, hip hop, country, heavy metal, all the way down. I have no idea what in the world is going on in South Carolina, as I was at almost a standstill during the entire state, not seeing an accident, just slow as can be. Literally, when we hit the Georgia state line, I was back up to normal speed. Strange. Anyway, finally, we arrived in Daytona, got a nice little room, and were walking in the surf in late December.
The kids were excited. My daughter was in heaven, she loves the beach, and to be sitting on one in December was thrilling to her. She had never seen a palm tree, and her excitement was contagious. My teenage sons, who never think anything I do is 'cool', were excited and you could feel the tensions of the past couple of months, and the holidays, melting a way.
There is something magical about the ocean. It's healing. It's where I yearn to be when my soul is in shreds.
I saw a quote by JFK... it's so true, and makes so much sense.
I did what I could do to heal. I never told anyone that I was contemplating the selfish act of putting myself and my vehicle into a tree on the previous Monday night. I just knew that I had hit a point that I had to save myself from going any deeper into the insanity, I had to pull myself out of the dark thoughts that kept threatening to drag me under.
We didn't have much money to keep us down there for an extended time. Only 2 days. Only 2 days.
We sat on the beach. We swam in the ocean. We cooked in the little kitchenette in our room. We slept. We visited my Aunt. She got to meet my children, and we spent an afternoon chatting about our family.
I would call him, and he wouldn't answer. I would text him, and he would not text back. He did text the kids, though.
I cried a lot. The kids would just look at me, lay a hand on mine, or hug me. I tried not to, but there were times I could not stop it.
I would wake up before the sun came up, and walk down to the beach to see the sunrise. I was always alone during this time, and it was much needed time I took for myself. The ocean, the sunrise, the beautiful beach, it was perfect.
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| Sunrise on New Years Day, Ormand Beach Florida |
It was strange for me. He and I had brought the new year in together for 25 years.
I tried to call him during the evening, from about 7pm on. I wanted him to talk to the kids, wish them happy new year. But he would not answer. Texts went unread, and undelivered. It looks as though he has blocked me.
He does not answer my texts until 7am the next day, when he tells me that he was out with our friends the night before for New Years Eve, and he had no signal.
Ok. Ok...
New Years day, I woke up around 5, sat on the beach, watched a stunning sunrise. I went back to the room and we packed up quick and hit the road to home. He has been staying at the house while we were gone, to watch the animals.
It's a long drive, long long drive home. 16+ hours in the truck, and we get home around 1am. When we walk in the door, he's standing in the kitchen. He hugs the kids, and glares at me. "You took my kids."
? What?
He KNEW we were going, I had to ask for money to go! I was stunned by his anger and reaction.
I brought some things in, and that's when I really looked at him. He was dressed head to toe, shoes on, jacket. I asked him, "Are you leaving again?"
To be honest, I got him back in the house, and I was hoping he would stay.
"Yep" he said. "But it's so late" I said. "I've already taken my things back over to where I'm staying." he said.
There was no way he was going. Nope. I said, "Ok. I'll just grab my keys and follow you." He looked confused. He fought me. He said he didn't want me to make a scene there. (He was staying with his 23 and 24 year old nephews, and a couple of their roommates) He wouldn't leave if I was going to follow.
3am rolls around, and he finally stayed. He went to bed, in our bed, pissed off. Told me not to touch him. Told me that he was leaving in the morning. Told me he was exhausted and to leave him alone.
I didn't care. I was so excited to have him home, and in our bed. After all, if he is not seeing her, there is no freaking reason what-so-ever that he needs to be living with a bunch of 20 year olds, and not with his family. We need to work this out, he needs to talk to me.
We got into bed, and he turned his back to me. But I curled around him, breathing him in, confused, but happy to not be in this big bed alone. He turned over not long after and took me in his arms, and all that that implies.
The next day
We drank coffee together. He hung around the house. He talked to the kids about Florida. He said he was sad and sort of jealous that they got to be on a beach. He asked them if they wanted to go to the movies. The new Star Wars movie was out. They said yes. I was not invited.
They all walked out of the door together. The kids looked at me sadly, they knew I wanted to go. I smiled, and told them to enjoy the movie. I reassured them I was fine. "It's fine! Have fun!" smile, smile, smile.
I heard the truck doors slam, and the engine start up. I sunk to the floor in the kitchen and cried. Is this my life? Is it? I cried. I heard the front door opening, and he walked in, he forgot something. He saw me, and said, "I'm sorry. I just don't want to give them false hope with all of us doing something together. Are you alright?" I nodded. I said, "I understand. I do."
But I didn't.
When they got home that evening, he sat in his spot on the couch, and we talked a little. I asked him if he wanted a divorce. "No." he said. I asked him what he was doing, then. "I don't know." he said. I asked if he was together with her. "No." he said. Then he motioned with his head to the ceiling, indicating the kids upstairs... and he says, "They don't need us to be together to be happy. We will still be their parents." I know, I said. I asked him again, Do you want a divorce? "No." I'm so confused, I said. Do you still consider this your home? "Yes, it's my home."
I'm so fucking confused by what he is saying. If he's not with another woman, doesn't want a divorce... what the hell is he doing??
"I'm heading out now." he said. "I'll get my keys, then." I said.
And the night before repeated. He was not leaving his family. We will figure this out. He is not leaving the 4 of us in this house alone. We go back and forth for a long time, he does NOT want me to go to his nephews house.
He finally caves. To be honest? He did not really fight me too hard. He just kept trying to stop me from following him. But, he ended up smiling, and looking at me like I was crazy. Shaking his head, grinning.
He said, "I will go get my things and come back." I said, "I'll help you get your things." He said, "I promise, I'll come back." I said, "I'll help." He said, "What if I take a kid with me to help, you know I will bring them back." I agreed.
They came back 20 minutes later. He actually seemed happy. I swear. He fell right back into his routines in no time at all. I think he wanted to come back, but didn't know how, and I got him back. He could blame me for my craziness and not feel like he caved.
I got him back in the house. Back in the house, back in my bed, back in my life. He got his two week break. I got him back in the house.
But it may have been too soon.
