His birthday falls at the end of September. He did not want to celebrate it. But I didn't think that was fair to the kids, after all, I think that the older we get, the more our birthdays become about the family around us.
I made him a cake. I made him his favorite dinner. We gave him some gifts. It was quiet, and there was a sadness in the air, he is pulling away. He is pulling away in every single way but the bedroom. Our sex life has become insane. It's all I can think about. His texts to me throughout the days are erotic.
But he will no longer say, "I love you."
"Are you talking to her?" No.
"Did she contact you for your birthday?" No.
There is a community event we always go to at this time of year. We have always looked forward to it. He wouldn't sit near me, and seemed agitated with me during the event. All of our friends noticed. I shrugged, I didn't understand.
"When is the last time you spoke with her?" "The day you found out was the last time we talked."
October:
Our sons birthday is in this month. We celebrated it much better than I would've thought. We shopped together, we made it as special for him as we could.
We spent this month crying, talking, yelling, tearing the marriage down to the bear bones. We spent this month analyzing everything that I've ever done wrong in this marriage. We never talk about what he has done, or didn't do. I'm still to be blamed. I still know on some level that he is completely justifying what he has done. But, yet... he maintains that he had done nothing but talk to her for 11 days in September. That it was over the moment I contacted her. But that the whole situation, and the fact that he spoke with her at all leads him to understand he has been unhappy in our marriage, and he is done.
But not done in the bedroom. It's almost every single day. It's become almost desperate between us, I can not say no. What is wrong with me???
Halloween comes, and he actually goes out with me and our daughter. Our boys are too old to go, but she still goes. I tagged him on facebook as being together and trick-or-treating with our daughter. I post a picture of our daughters silly costume. I post it global, so it can be seen by anyone. I probably did this on purpose...
Even though the The Whore has blocked me on facebook, I can still see her main picture and cover picture. We get back from trick-or-treating, and I was curious. I looked up The Whore, and she had changed her profile picture. She was looking off to the side, as always, and really fucking sad looking. I wondered if she had stalked my page, seen we were all out together as a family. I know she did. Just as I'm watching her, I know she's watching me.
I showed him her sad, pathetic, give-me-attention picture. He shrugged. I asked again, "Are you guys talking at all?" "No. Not since the day you found out."
I'm starting to believe him. There is NO evidence on our records that they are talking, he lets me look at his facebook, he gives me his phone whenever I ask. I'm starting to really believe him. He is never home late, he is always home when he's supposed to be... I think he's telling me the truth.
I'm starting to think we have hit a time in our marriage that we need to step back and look at it. We had been so busy with our own lives, the kids, our jobs, our families, that we had really forgotten how to be together.
November:
We have really good days in November, and we have really bad days. By this time, I'm almost glad that it happened. It's hard to admit that, but without him going to her, without this huge shake-up, we wouldn't be in this super analyzing of our relationship. We have now spent more time from September to November talking about US, spending more time together, making love, fucking, whatever, than we have done in YEARS. Probably never as much as we have been these past few months.
There are tears. There is anger. But I'm beginning to even forget about her. She is not in my head as much as she was.
He tells me what has bothered him in our marriage, and I've been fixing it. I've realized that these were all things I wanted to for myself anyway. Repairing family connections that had been lost. I had a tendency to be negative, and I began to change the way I looked at things and situations, and realized I was happier. I lost a lot of weight... hard to eat when your stomach is wrecked. I was like a pitbull when it came to our kids, and I realized I needed to sometimes back away and let them live a little, without so much hovering from me.
He told me, I worked on myself.
But, he was still not happy. He's still not saying, "I love you" well.. sometimes he would. Usually after having sex, or when he would leave for work. I did not stop telling him, but it was getting harder to do, because 95% of the time he would not say it back, and it hurt like hell. 25 years, he always said it back.
Our middle child, our son, his birthday is in November. It was good, and we pulled it together to give him a great day. We went to dinner, gifts, cake. Time together as a family.
Thanksgiving was horrible. I told him that I had a feeling it was our last. He didn't say anything. I told him, "When we sit down as a family, I want you to look around and see what you will never have again, your children and your wife sitting around you as your family." He didn't say anything. We ate, we laughed, I tried to hold it together. He caught my eye at one point, and looked at me so sad. I looked away. I didn't want to cry in front of the kids. When dinner was over, he stood up and helped clear the table. He kissed me, told me that it was delicious. He seemed very distant, and very sad.
My birthday is at the end of November. He took me for a bike ride, but it began to rain, so we had to cut it short. We came home and spent the whole day wrapped up in each other, we had sex all day long, and into the night. No talking really, no tears, just laughing, joking here and there, and being together. He made it a good day.
By the beginning of December... The Whore is hardly even talked about. I do ask periodically, "Have you spoken to her? Seen her?" "No."
She's almost completely out of my mind. She was an 11 day mistake in September... I can deal with that. It's caused us to look at US. Will we make it? I don't know. He thinks I'll never get over those 11 days, and that I will constantly throw it up in his face. He is still telling me he is done with the marriage, but he is still taking me to bed almost every day. I don't believe he is done. I'm fighting harder than I've ever fought for something in my life. My husband, my marriage, my family.
It was an overwhelming sad fall. Christmas is coming... I have to hold it together for the kids.
