It might just be why he does not open up and talk to me now. More than a year later, there has been no disclosure, and I think it's my fault. I did not handle this night well, and I think it scared him. It scared me, too. I've never been this out of control in my life. Something inside me flipped.
It was a tough day at work, the day before still running through my brain, little to no sleep the night before, adrenaline has not stopped pumping through my system. When I got home, I was bottoming out. I made a cup of coffee and sat on the couch, trying to breathe, trying to function. He had a meeting that night with our sons, and was getting ready for that. I laid back and closed my eyes for a second. I heard him near, and opened my eyes.
He sat down on the coffee table and looked at me. He looked at me for what felt like years, there was true fear in his eyes. His voice shook a little when he spoke.
"You've been asking me what app I used to communicate with her. I just wanted to come clean, it wasn't an app."
He reached into his pocket and handed me a phone.
"I used that."
I held it. I held it. I held in my hand the piece of shit phone that held them together. I tried to hold myself together. Here he is, trying. He's trying to communicate and talk to me. Somewhere in my brain, I realize he is trying. But there is a loud pounding of my heartbeat in my ears, and I also can see he is still talking. But I don't hear anything he says over the roar in my ears. I don't say anything but, "Ok."
I held it together for maybe 3 minutes. I stood up, slipped the whore phone in my back pocket and picked up my coffee cup, and walked out the door.
I walk up a hill, I'm crying? I'm not sure what I was doing. 4 million things are hitting me at once. The whore phone. He's trying to talk to me. The whore phone cost money, that we didn't really have. He spent money on her by using that phone. Why would he have that? Apps can be used? Why? Are they sleeping together? Did they? The only thing that made sense was that they were definitely in a physical relationship for him to be hiding and harboring that whore phone.
I can't breathe as I'm heading up that hill. I dropped to my knees, hyperventilating, about to throw up. I see him coming up the hill. I saw red. It's not just a saying, it's true, I saw red. I stood up, threw my cup over the hill, (I miss that cup, I should go find it) and charged at him. I charged down the hill like a madwoman, screaming "Did you fuck her??!!" I hit him in the chest with both hands. He grabbed my hands and tried to hug me. "No" he said. "No, we didn't"
We head towards the house, me yelling and repeating "Did you fuck her?!" With him repeatedly saying, "No!"
But it caused a rush of questions. I questioned every single thing I've asked before:
Did you fuck her? No
Did you spend time with her over Christmas? No
DID YOU SPEND NEW YEARS EVE WITH HER? NO
Did you fuck her? No! I didn't!
It went on for a while. He said he needed a shower before he had to go to the meeting.
I was there when he stepped out, hitting him with more questions. I've lost it.
But before he walked out the door for the meeting, he was promising and swearing that all he had told me for the past month since he came back to me was true. That they only texted and talked on the phone. They never met in person, they never had sex, they never took it to that level.
I watched him leave and picked up my phone. I texted her a meme that I found to be appropriate. Looks like she was wondering what I was up to today. Also, notice I asked her NOTHING, she just started spilling information without being asked.
I felt crazy. She spilled enough that my mind just slipped. I took to social media - FB, Instagram, Twitter... Calling her out and trashing her.
Reading back on that? I called her a twat....um... I don't think I've ever said that word in my life until that night. Not even sure where that came from.
Anyway, I realized I was slipping... I realized I needed some help. I called my best friend, and told her I needed her. I've never asked for help in my life, and haven't since that night. She knew me enough that that was very unusual for me, told me to get over there asap.
I pulled up into her driveway, and got out. I feel like my eyes were huge, heart racing, hair wild, shaking... I must've looked like a nut. I was holding MY phone, not the whore phone, and said to her, "Stop me! I'm doing stupid shit!"
She sat me down around her fire pit, poured me some wine, and listened while I filled her in. She told me to take the social media posts down immediately. That it was beneath me and to cut that shit out. That I'm giving her power to post the things I did.
(I did. I took it all down except one... that will come later.)
She definitely calmed me down. She told me to be glad he had tried to share with me, by giving me the phone.
After a while, I drove home and sat in my car. He's still texting me, and he actually thinks I went to visit his whore. He thinks we sat around that evening having bash session about him. I didn't correct him. So he thinks I was with her, talking to her.
(He should know me... I wouldn't be talking to her, I would be punching her in the throat)
I used that. I put together what I thought happened, and used the fact that he thought I was with her.
I told him she told me they had sex. After he admits it, I let him know she didn't.
Oh, the games that are played. Straight up truth would've been nice.
I got out of my car, and went in the house. I kicked the door, I stared at him. I grabbed something, I can't remember, and I left. I walked. I walked to the creek and laid down in the grass. What the hell? I don't know, but I laid there. It was chilly, the sky was clear with millions of stars. I just laid there.
I just laid there. Do you know there are lightening bugs -fire flies- in the grass at that time? I watched some slowly glowing, coming to life, and then slowly blinking out. I couldn't move.
I just laid there.
