I fucking hate her. I have friends in my life that tell me, "Stop. To have ANY feelings towards her what-so-ever gives her power in your head." Let it go, they say. She's nothing, they tell me.
They say, "HE'S the one that did this. HE'S the one that broke your vows, your trust, your heart, your family. Be angry at HIM."
Oh. I am. Trust me.
Furious. My anger towards him, at times, is immeasurable. I physically shake, clench jaws and fists, I throw things, I've verbally ripped him apart for what he's done to our family.
But I love him. As angry as I can get at times, it fades quickly. There's been 25 years of my life loving this man. There's been decades of memories, decades of love, building our family, raising our children, our trips, our hobbies, our life together. He's my partner no matter what he has done. So as angry as I get, as furious as I can be, the bottom line is, he's my husband. He's the father of our children. He's been my best friend, my lover, my sanctuary, my other half.
But her?? Fuck her. FUCK. HER. To be honest? I felt bad for her. At one point in this whole fucked up mess, I felt bad for her. This man, my husband, who I thought I knew like the back of my hand, went to this whore with a bucket of lies in his hand. He went to her and told her his marriage was over. He went to her with no ring on his finger. He went to her and lied.
There was a time in November that he and I got into a huge fight. He's on the couch, and I'm screaming at him. I knew this woman had lost a husband in January of '15. He went to her the first time in September. This woman was about to face the holidays without her husband, and here's my fucking husband handing her a bunch of lies. Deceit, lies, betrayal.. not only to me, but to her too. (Now, I can't believe I felt bad for her at all)
When I found out about them, 10 days into their "affair" I went right to her. She told me she would not contact him. That she would not fight for him. I told her he was married, I told her she and him were destroying a marriage and a family.
So the bitch knew. In the days after DDay, in the months after... THIS BITCH KNEW. Every text she would send, every time she put her hands on him, every time they spoke on the phone, SHE KNEW he was married. Whore. What kind of fucking woman is she? A pathetic one.
I think some of my hatred towards her is because it's easy. I love him, I don't know her. It's even because I feel some kind of betrayal from her... as a woman, a fellow female, I am dumbfounded that she would do this. That she would KNOWINGLY help destroy a marriage and a family. WHY? What the fuck could she get out of this???
There was several more contacts between her and I in the upcoming months. I learned the definition of narcissism from dealing with her. I didn't even know the word until recently.
I read a lot of blogs, and haven't really found one yet that deals with the hatred of the other woman.. or at least it doesn't seem to match the anger I have for her. I hate that she's in my head at all. I hate that I look for her when I'm in town. I hate that I fantasize about running into her, and what I would do. (I probably wouldn't do a thing... but I think about it anyway)
I read about how other woman is forgiven by the betrayed wife. I glance through the "homewreckers" on shesahomewrecker.com ... I read the comments. Almost all of them say, "Blame the husband!!" But... seriously... why is the mistress always a poor victim? She's NOT.
I hate her. I hate her mother, who clearly didn't raise her well. I hate her dogs, her cats, the town she lives in, the town she works in. I hate her car, her sister, her brother. I hate her dumbass name, I hate her fishponds. I randomly just hate anything that surrounds her.
But I do have to say, that I'm hoping that in time, I learn to let go of any feelings at all towards her. I do sort of realize that being this angry, is exhausting and not healthy. I hope that in time, she becomes to me what she is....Nothing. But that time is not today. It's hard to begin to let go, when every other fucking day something new hits me in the gut.
I sometimes wonder if I project my anger and hatred towards her, because to do that to him, tears apart what we are trying to build. I don't know. I'm just fucking insane, and today? Today I hate my life. I can't take much more.
