It has not been easy. There have been some amazing days, weeks. There have been the lowest of the lows.
There has not been a single day that I have not thought of them together. I've watched as many videos as I can, I've read articles, I've bought and read a million books. I vent anonymously on Twitter.
But I feel like I'm still just laying in the grass by the creek.
Summer of '16 rolled in, and it found us going to a marriage counselor. Our first visit, he asked the guy, "So, can she come alone?"
wtf?
He thinks only I need the counseling. I went alone for 6 visits. Counselor decided that I have 'abandonment issues' from my past. From that stemmed how I actually loved my husband, and allowed him to love me. He was right. I did spend the past 27 years with this man, behind a protective wall. I think I was always waiting for him to leave me. Well, he did.
The 7th visit found him coming with me. We ended up in a HUGE fight on that couch, and the counselor never returned my calls or texts after that. Abandonment.. at the pushing of my husband, I found another one about 2 month ago, and I'm still not sure about this whole counseling thing.
I had an appointment this past Monday. I was seeing him just once a month, but after what I dumped on him this past session, he's trying to see me once a week. No. Too much.
I wonder if I could write about what I dumped on him. I AM anonymous here... I wonder it it would help to write it out...
I feel like HE needs counseling, too. But he says he's fine, and doesn't need to talk to anyone.
One thing I know, is I need disclosure from him. I need some details... and he's not willing to do so. I've given him every article, every video, every blog post I can find, showing him the importance of disclosure. I've given him my reasons that I need them... nothing.
Crickets. Or, sometimes he will grab me and we'll have sex. I've noticed that he uses that a lot. He used that during his affair, too. Is it deflection? Take my mind somewhere else?
I feel like no matter what I read, or spend on counseling, or watch on youtube, that if he doesn't disclose, I will not begin healing. So how long do I stay in this limbo?
Some don't need details. I am not one of those people. I need information.
I have a good friend that has been by my side the whole journey. But she has not been through this. She will ask me at times, "Why do you need to know?" Another friend says, "What good will it do you to know now?" Again, neither have been through it.
I need to know, because it feels like he is still keeping secrets, living that double life, still lying. Like I am not worth knowing anything of his secret love affair. But I am supposed to stay with him, because he chose me. He chose me, but did he? Or did she dump him and now I'm just the fall back second choice?
Actually... I have gotten a couple details. I guess I should be lucky? I wanted to know where they went out to dinner. I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO THE SAME PLACES.
He told me. (It took him 3 months to tell me) I processed it. I had my moments of envisioning them there. I had my anger. I imagined he had a wonderful time watching her eat meat. (I don't) I imagined him telling her that he loved that she did. I had my moments with the disclosure of the restaurants. I'm processed, I'm through it. I no longer obsess about where they went. I know. I wish he could see that, that talking to me and answering my questions calms my imagination and helps me process.
I also got Valentines day. This took him literally 7 months to tell me. Valentines day '16. "Did you see her? I woke up that morning, and you had left for work, I didn't see you all day."
He swore up until the night he told the truth that he didn't see her at all. But he finally came clean, (sort of, I know he's still lying) "Yes, after work I stopped by and gave her flowers." 7 months of asking, and lying to my face up to the moment of telling me the truth??
Damaging to rebuilding trust, let me tell you.
Valentines Day '17 found me in a complete meltdown from the triggers and contacting the other woman. Upcoming post. My twitter friends really let me have it for contacting her! lol! I'm sorry! #WeakMoment
Have I processed through that tidbit of disclosure? A little. I think it's hard, because I know he's still lying about it. Do I care? I'm getting over it. Some of my friends advice is starting to sink in a little, "What good does that do you now?"
And that's it. That's all I've gotten in a year. Flowers on Valentines day and the restaurants they went to.
I want to know when it started. I want to know when it ended. He has tried to tell me the end, but it changes EVERY SINGLE TIME I ask. It's like he is still so caught up in his own web of lies, that he is forgetting what he told me.
I don't ask that a lot. I can count on one hand how many times I've asked. But I do feel like knowing how and when it ended is important...after all...did it end? I don't really know.
But during my February meltdown when I contacted her, she volunteered some of the ending information, without me asking AT ALL...and IT DOESN'T MATCH HIS STORY ONE BIT. I tell him that, and he says, "She's a liar, and is telling you these lies so I will contact her and say something to her."
Maybe? I don't know.
So here I am, a year later, and still lost, and still confused. Every day finds me getting angrier at him, for I see him as the one who can release me from this pain by disclosing, and he doesn't.
I think he's ashamed. I know that when I do ask, his breathing changes, he looks down, he says, "This is not the time or place to do this" even though we may be sitting in the house completely alone or in the car together with no kids around.
How much longer do I do this? How much longer CAN I do this?
I don't know.
I'm tired. I'm finding that more and more, all I do is sleep when I come home. I just want to sleep.
Can I move forward with my marriage, and healing, without him opening up to me?
I don't think so.
