(The timeline and dates are important to me... I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll ask the therapist why I'm obsessed with the timeline, because I really don't know)
Tuesday evening. I'm driving home with our oldest, I've just picked him up from his girlfriends. "Mom. You're done with Dad, aren't you? There's something different about you." "I'm not sure what is going on, but I believe I'm going to ask him to move back out." My son... my sweet son... he says, "Mom. You deserve better. I've talked to (my other two kids) and we all see it. You don't deserve how he is treating you." And after a pause, he says, "I'm proud of you."
He's proud of me. He's proud that I want to stand up, not put up with how I'm treated, he's angry at his Dad. I don't know how to fix any of this. I'm heart broken that our son is proud that I might ask his Dad to leave.
February 24, 2016
Wednesday evening. My oldest and his girlfriend are sitting on the couch. The husband is not home. Band practice.
We are all talking. Religion, school, parties... normal teen/parent talking. He moves next to her, very close, takes her hand. Looks at me. "Mom. I have something I've been wanting to tell you, about Dad and _________, do you think you can handle it?" My heart races and pounds in my chest, my head swims a little, and I feel out of focus. I realize I must keep a straight face and no physical reactions. "Sure....?" I said. He grabs her hand tighter, and looks at her, "Should I say it? Should I tell her?" He's asking his girlfriend for permission. She must know what he's about to say, too. He is struggling, he actually looks like he's in physical pain, his breathing is rapid, his eyes are wide. She answers him with a shrug, she looks nervous, too.
"I have something to tell you about them." Them? I think... them? How does my son know ANYTHING about 'them'. I have to reassure him. I'm calm, on the outside, but there is a fucking storm raging inside. "It's alright, you can tell me anything."
"It was on a Saturday in December, the weekend before he left us. We were at Taco Bell before ________ basketball game. He was texting like crazy. When we got up to leave, he said, "Hey! _____________ is going to stop by, are you OK with that?" Mom, I didn't know what to say, so I said, 'I guess'. So we leave the restaurant, and pull away and park by some dumpsters, and she pulls in next to us."
My heart is pounding, but I nod at him to continue. I don't trust my voice.
"So Dad gets out and goes to her window, and I can hear her yelling at him HOW CAN YOU BRING YOUR SON?!, so I'm snapchatting with _________(his girlfriend) and I snap a shot of them, send it to her, and tell her I can't believe he's doing this. Dad and ________talk for a bit, and she takes off."
I nod again.
"So Dad gets back into our truck and looks at me, and tells me not to tell you."
He describes her. He describes her car. I'm doing the dates in my head... it was only 4 days after my surgery, 4 days before our 20th anniversary, 8 days before he walked out on us.
I ask my son for a few more details. He answers. I apologize to him that that happened. I'm FURIOUS that my husband put him in that situation.
SERIOUSLY? SO who does he think he is? That's our KID. Our CHILD. You don't do that!! You don't put our kid in this, and tell him to lie.
I think about the 20th... I think about when he left us, and how my son had to pick me up out of the cold gravel in the driveway. I thought about how angry he seemed during the "break". I thought about how upset he seemed with his Dad when we were in Florida. I'm beyond pissed he put our son in this situation.
Did he think he would high-five him?? Chest bump him?? Clap him on the back with respect?
So, I realize at this moment, that it was not over for them in September when I found out. I realize that it was all a lie. How long? How much of a lie? How many lies?
My head is spinning. I can't breathe. I hold myself together and thank him for telling me. He looks scared, he asks me not to tell his Dad he told me. He's actually very scared. I know I have to bring this up to my husband, but I'm not sure how to do so, and still protect my son. So, I look at him, and (probably make a mistake doing this, but I'm not thinking straight) and tell him that I will tell his Dad that SHE texted me and told me.
My head is spinning. I text him. "Your girlfriend just texted me, let me know that you have been lying, and if I wanted proof to ask my son because he was there during one of your meetings with her at Taco Bell"
I don't feel bad that I'm throwing her under the bus. I don't feel bad at all.
He replied, "no...."
I got my keys and left. I just drove around. I screamed, I parked, I cried. What the hell??
He calls me. I answer it, he wants me to explain. I hang up.
I'm out for several hours. My son calls me around midnight, crying. He said that his Dad came home, slamming crap around, stomping all over the place. Said he came into his room and demanded he tell him what he told me. My son tried to deny it, but then his dad got it out of him. He wanted to know exactly what he told him...get this... so he could figure out how to make ME believe it was just a chance meeting.
That she just happened to stop by.
He tells this to our son. Unbelievable.
I come home. He tries to convince me that it was a chance meeting. I stop him immediately, "Stop" I said. "Just stop lying."
"Are you still seeing her?"
No.
"When did you stop?"
When I came back home. She was pissed.
"Where you having sex with her?"
No.
"I don't believe you!!!"
Just texting and talking on the phone.
"Then WHY was she showing up at Taco Bell to see you??"
I don't know.
"You're trying to tell me that the only time you ever saw her in person, from September to December, was a quick 'hi' at Taco Bell??"
Yes
We go long into the night. He swears they have never seen each other in person, besides those days in September. He swears to God they are not having sex. He swears that they never did. He promises that their talking and texting was over on New Years Day when he moved back home. He said he lied to her, told her that it was over between him and I, he said that she was waiting for him to be single. He said that by moving back home, that she felt he was lying to her and she ended it. He said she was very upset with him.
He's doing everything he can to convince me. I ask him about those days in September, if they were physical with each other. No, he swears. No.
My stupid ass wants to believe him so bad, that I think I do. After all... I play back the timeline obsessively! He may have been distant, he may have been cold... but he TOOK ME TO BED ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DAY. How COULD he be sleeping with someone else??? There's no way... so I begin to believe him....
But, I'm broken. Shattered. He lied. He lied, he lied he lied. I don't know what to think!!
The next morning, he leaves for work. My son comes into my room, and told me, "Mom. He wants to try to make it look like it was a chance meeting. I just want you to know it wasn't. He told me she was coming, and we pulled away and parked by dumpsters to wait for her." I smiled at him, and told him I knew. I knew what he was trying to do. I'm FURIOUS at him for doing this to our son!
I told him to have a good day at school, and not worry. He had a concert that night, and he needed to have his mind there.
I texted her. She had recently accidentally texted me, and then immediately replied that she was sorry she had done that and would remove my number from her phone. I would show the screen shot, but I use his name a million times in the text...
But I basically told her that she could remove my number, and she could have my lying husband. I told her that she was getting herself a real gem, a married man with three kids who cheats. I told her that I don't know what kind of game he's playing between us, but we had been intimate the entire time, almost daily. I told her during his "break" that he visited my bed frequently. I told her he was lying to both of us, and that was why I reached out to her in January. I thanked her for lying to me about it.
She never answered me.
I text my husband. I tell him that he needs to delay going to work the next day, Friday, so that he can get our daughter on the bus. He agrees. He asks me if I'm leaving. I say, "Yes." He asks me, "Are you going to Kentucky?" I said, "Yes. I'm leaving tonight after work." He said, "Ok..." he sounded sad.
Kentucky is where my Dad is. It's an 11 hour drive. It will be a long one to start after work... but I'll find a stop somewhere in between. I need to get away, I can't breathe. I have to get my head wrapped around this. What am I going to do?
So, I'm aboard the crazy train, and we are going at a high speed... God, I want off this ride.
I want off this ride.
