December will never be the same for me again. I read other blogs, and I know I will have years and years of flashbacks and triggers whenever the weather turns chilly, snow starts to fall, and the holidays become a focus.
December.
It started out OK. I was having surgery on the 8th. I would be put under, and it was a three hour procedure.
In November, he texted me at work. He said, "Call your GYN. Get on the pill, and let her know what's going on with you." What was going on was that I was bleeding every month like a stuck pig. It was like helter skelter. So, I went, and turns out I had some large fibroids. She recommended that I have them removed, and then to burn the inside of my uterus. I asked if I could still get pregnant? She said, "Yes, so if you want, while I'm in there, I will do a tubal ligation." So, I agreed. That's better than the pill, and what the heck. Just get it all done.
So, the 8th rolls around, and in I go. He has to take me, but I can tell he does not want to be there. I'm scared the morning we go. He doesn't talk to me the whole way there. He sits next to me before I'm taken back, and he doesn't hug me, or tell me he loves me before I go. He held out his finger, and I was allowed to just touch the tip of it.
I type this now, and it angers me. What I didn't know that day, the day I went in for surgery, the day he seemed so freaking annoyed at me for needing to go, that I know NOW...was that it was HER birthday.
Recovery took about a week. I was in pain, and just kind of out of it. Around this time, it's our anniversary. Our 20th anniversary. He does not even wish me a happy anniversary. He looks sad, and says, "It would be hypocritical to wish you a happy anniversary, because I know it's not."
I went out to dinner with a friend. I was so sad. I had looked forward to the big 20 for a long time.
One weekend, 2 weeks before Christmas, we went Christmas tree shopping. This is a tradition that we have had for several years. It's fun, we all argue over the tree, the boys help him cut it, our daughter just looks cute, we drink hot chocolate, we just have a blast during this tradition of ours. But not this year.
This year...after the tree was chosen, we sat at the picnic tables. I was sad. But trying to smile on for the kids. He put his arm around me, and leaned his head against my shoulder. "I'm sorry" he said. We both knew that this was probably the last time we would do this as a family of 5.
It was so sad. The tree came home, and our daughter decorated it. She tried to hang on to some spirit for all of us.
But.... I need to put out there that I didn't know why. He just kept telling me that he was not happy, not in love, it was over for him. But he STILL kept taking me to bed. I couldn't buy his, "It's over." when we were connecting in the bedroom like never before. I would ask once in a while if they had spoken or seen each other and he SWORE that it had nothing to do with her, and they had not spoken since I found out in September.
December 18th. 2 days after our anniversary... I see a tweet from her and her sister. It says, "20 years is nothing, WE know where his heart is, especially when he sends pictures like this." And it was some stupid picture of a marquee that said, "Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, it hurts less." He was at work when I saw the tweet. I texted him, he denied it was about them, or us, or had anything to do with him and I.
(I think this is gaslighting? When someone tries to convince you you're crazy, and makes you second guess every single thing you know to be true?)
That was a Friday. Saturday night, I was still trying to talk about it. He kept saying, "Not everything in the world is about you!" So, I picked up his phone, and said, "Then let me call her and we can straighten this out." He FLIPPED out. We ended up in a scuffle, and I ended up on the floor. He ended up with his phone back.
Sunday, December 20th, he leaves early in the morning to go pick up a Christmas gift for one of the kids. When he gets back, I was making breakfast. I asked him, "Are you hungry?" He said nothing.
He got in the shower. When he got out, he still said nothing. There was something wrong. I could feel it. He went upstairs to our room to get dressed.
When he came back down, he had laundry baskets packed full of his clothes, and was heading into the bathroom to get his toiletries. I was shocked. I felt this coming, but not before Christmas!
I cried, I howled, I tried to hang on to him. I was a mess. I was a mess, and I was pathetic. He had our oldest son hold me so he could leave. He put his things in his vehicle, and as he drove away, I collapsed. I had grabbed one of his pillows. and I just collapsed in the driveway. It was cold that day, very cold. I was still in my nightgown, and there I was, laying in the cold stones on the driveway, hugging that pillow that smelled like him.
I couldn't move. I couldn't even feel the cold. I was never going to get up. I wasn't even crying.. I just laid there. My son, he said, "Mom. Please get up. It's cold, I can't feel my feet." I couldn't even answer him. I couldn't move. He just left us, 5 days before Christmas. He. Just. Left.
My son started to cry. He said, "Mom, please please get up, your legs are bare, it's so cold, you're going to get hypothermia." I still couldn't move. It sounded like his voice was coming from far away. I remember wanting to move, but I just couldn't.
He leaned down next to me and told me he was going to get his sister, and that he didn't want her to see me like this, but he would do it.
That snapped me back a little. I remember looking at him, and working my way up. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Stand up, and walk back in the house. My legs didn't work right, and I didn't know what to do.
Shock? Was I in shock? I don't know.
I knew him leaving was coming, but I didn't believe it until he actually left.
He left. 5 days before Christmas... he left. He left me, he left his kids, he left our home.
What am I going to do?
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