The timeline. What difference does it make, really? It's not like I don't know, sitting here today, that they fucked each other, but for some reason, I've needed to know WHEN it started... and it DOES make a difference...possible life changing difference.
It's killing me. I'm warning you now, I get pretty vulgar as I go on with this story. There's the warning. I sort of turn into a crazy cussing maniac.
I'ts been almost two weeks since we talked. I am still feeling like I'm standing in quicksand.
I still can't stop shaking my head and trying to wrap my head around what he's told me.
I don't know if I ever will, and I don't know if I will ever be able to get the answers I need. I think that's what I have to come to terms with now, that I will never understand, and that I need to come to terms with it, or make a decision if I can live with it.
I'm fighting with myself very hard, and it's an internal battle of madness.
The timeline.
Sept. 10 - He goes and takes her to lunch.
Sept. 11 - He goes and eats lunch in her office with her.
Sept. 15 - He goes to her house that night, tells me he's going to band practice.
Sept. 18 - He leaves for a trip with our boys, they text all weekend.
Sept. 20 - I ask to see pics of the trip, he refuses to hand me phone. I know. 7 hours of fighting, he still tries to deny there is anyone else, picks me up out of our yard and makes love to me all night.
Sept. 21 - I check phone records, and take a look at his old iPhone that is still connected to his account...it's filled with their texts. I contact HER before I confront him, she promises she had no idea and will back off. He comes home from work, takes me to bed.
And so it goes, on and on. Repeat....fight, tear down marriage, finger point at each other why this happened. Tear each other down, begin seeing what was going wrong, start slowly rebuilding. And of course, drag each other off to bed... it's crazy, heartbreaking, and insanely passionate. It's exhausting.
We have been together 25 years at this point, and I am realizing that I am no longer that 18 year old girl I was when we started, we have never been like this in our relationship, and it's amazing.
I believed him as he tells me they are not talking at all. Even though I can see his confusion, I don't see him pulling fully away from us, because we can't seem to keep our hands off each other.
I have asked him since I found out about them at the end of April 2016... "When did you start sleeping with her?"
He has refused to answer. Just says, "I don't know."
I have always felt like it was that Tuesday night he went to her house. I've asked, he has repeatedly told me no, they did not. In my heart... it makes more sense to me that he slept with her that night, and caught some feelings...some excitement... some danger. So that when I find out a week later? He is not ready to let go, and that's what led to the 8 month affair with her.
So two weeks ago, I ask again. After all, he's understanding and witnessing that when he sets something at ease in my head, I can put it to rest. And I usually do. So, I ask again. We are in the barn, getting ready to mow. This is something we weekly do together, and I have his attention. I asked him, "When did it start?" He says, "I don't know."
This makes NO sense to me. How can you not know? It's a pretty game changing thing to do! When? "I don't know"
Yes you do!
He says, "When did you find out?" I told him, "Sept. 20th, did it happen before then?" He says, "No, it didn't happen before that."
Ugh.
I say, "Did it happen before your birthday?" His birthday is Sept. 28. I'm wondering if it happened that week, right after I found out.
This man actually says at this point, "When is my birthday?" I roll my eyes at him, he's clearly nervous. I tell him when his birthday is. He says, "No."
"So it happened AFTER your birthday?" "Yes"
But in my head, I'm like... no... how? He was with me almost EVERY SINGLE DAY at the end of Sept, till middle of December when I had a surgery done, and was out of commission in that department for a week or so. No... in my head, I'm screaming, NO!
So he holds strong to "I don't know" for quite a while. We start mowing. I can't even look at him as we pass each other. I'm furious. But I have to keep it together.
We stop, park the tractors, and I walk away.
Never mind, I turn and head back. I walk around the barn and say, "When."
He pulls out his phone. Loads the calendar. Asks me a couple questions about things that happened that fall. He narrows it down.
"Sometime the first two weeks of October."
I'm numb. I can't figure it out in my head. I'm arguing internally with myself that it had to be that Tuesday, that it made more sense that he CHEATED BEFORE I FOUND OUT ABOUT THEM..... NOT AFTER!!! That doesn't fucking compute in my head!
"Huh?" I muttered. "First couple weeks of October??" "Yes"
I don't understand.
I make it through to Monday...but I'm reeling. Dizzy is the only way to describe it. I have a program that I can plug my iPhone into, and it will save all texts. I go to that and pull up our texts to each other during that time... The end of Sept, and all through October.... I'm especially interested in those first two weeks of October... when sometime in those two weeks, he decided I wasn't enough, and fucked another woman.
Our texts during that time are so x-rated, it's crazy. We would talk about what we had done the night before, or even that morning...he would tell me things he wanted to do that night, I would tell him things I wanted to do, or wanted from him.... I DON'T GET IT.
How can he do that? And why am I so upset it didn't happen when I thought it did?
Though no matter WHEN it happened, it fucking sucks, but it still made more sense to me that he fancied himself with another woman before I knew! But NO. He decides to have sex with me almost EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and DAY, and sometime in there decides it's time to stick his dick in another woman too??
WHAT THE FUCK.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
My friend tells me I can't wrap my head around it, because it's not something I would do. She's right.
But I'm crushed.
I FEEL USED. I feel dirty!! I'm disgusted!!
Here's a little back story... I ended up in a foster situation when I was 14. Without that family, I would not be here. My mother would have killed me. She was an abusive alcoholic hot mess. When I was 13, she decided to start hanging out at a truck stop bar near Baltimore. She brought home a different trucker every other night... they never knew about each other, because they were never in town on the same days. She really liked one of them, and she decided he would help her with me. Me being a wild out of control teen girl that was angry at the world. She valued the way he said I should be raised. Whatever.
He picked me up in his truck one day, minus the trailer. He said it goes faster. He took me to lunch at that truck stop, and talked to me about respecting my Mom and doing my school work. We walked back out to the truck, and when I went to put my seat belt on, he told me not to. The truck had that sleeper bed thing in it, and he straight up told me he needed to teach me about the real world, and then proceeded to rape me right there in that nasty truck, in that horrible parking lot of that disgusting bar. When I got home, I told my Mom. She said I was a liar, and it was not long after I wound up in foster care.
THAT'S WHAT I FEEL LIKE NOW! Dirty, used, humiliated. How could my HUSBAND do that? He was the ONE PERSON IN MY LIFE THAT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT ME. How could he shake the shit out of our marriage, then proceed to take me to bed every day, and then think... Oh, well... I need to have another woman too, and decide to sleep with her? ASSHOLE.
My husband, father of my kids, the man I look up to, the provider of our family...has made me feel like that 13 year old girl again. Dirty, used, humiliated, disgusting.
I'm trying so hard to separate the two, they are not the same, but strangely, the hurt is. The hurt and humiliation feels the same.
He used me. I ask him, "How? How could you be OK with yourself knowing you were using me?" he said, "I didn't think of it that way."
Back in June, during a session with my therapist, I told him about the trucker. I told my story and then curiously asked him, "Why is that time on my mind? I have not thought about that man in many many years. But it's on my mind a lot lately. Almost like I'm pissed that this affair of my husbands has me more fucked up than what happened to me as a girl. That should be more traumatic."
He looked at me and said, "Both of these instances are extremely traumatic, and you are now associating with a time that you survived. Your survival instincts are showing you can make it through this one too."
It made sense. Sorta. I don't know.
I was surprised I told him. I have only told my Mom about that day. She didn't believe me, so I never spoke of it again.
So here I am. Almost two weeks past him telling me this. Am I mad it didn't happen like I thought it did? Am I throwing a huge bitch fit because his affair didn't happen the way I THINK it should have? That's almost funny.
But I'm lost. I'm so lost. I can't think.
I'm sitting here pounding on this keyboard, angry. Hurt. I usually feel better after writing and releasing...but I'm so angry that this isn't helping at all.
I'm so lost.
I just can't stop shaking my head about the timeline. But the fact that he decided that I wasn't enough, and fucked her too? I can't comprehend.
Part of me feels sorry for her, too. He used us both.
But then that feeling passes quickly. She KNEW HE WAS MARRIED.
I never thought I could feel hate for my husband... but I do now. A small sliver of hate has slipped in, and I'm not sure right now what to do with that.
I trusted him. I trusted him.
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